Finding Peace
by mistyfur
Summary: Can Kathryn and Chakotay find a way back to each other after she pushes him into the arms of another woman. JC ending. Complete.
1. Chakotay's POV

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Disclaimer: Not mine... darn!

AN: This story came from a discuss on VAMB about why C/7 could maybe happen... No worries though, this will have a J/C ending :)

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**Chakotay's POV**

It was a question that races through everyone's mind, from the greenest of Ensigns to the senior staff.

After all these years of being at her side, how could I leave her and betray her trust? How could I cast her from me to survive in the treachery of the Delta quadrant without me at her side to ease her burdens?

Did I no longer l love her? Did her constant rebukes of my affection push me to let go of all my dreams and hopes of a future? Or, was it our most recent conflict that had finally snapped the bond that kept us together?

I couldn't give you just one reason. We have been drifting away from each other for so long that I no longer know what single moment caused me to back away from her, locking my feelings away, never to be spoken of again.

My spirit cries out for her, needing the peace that only she can bring me but I know that she will never allow my soul to anchor hers in her darkest of days. There was a time when she would have accepted my comfort but no longer.

Each denial cuts deeply, shredding me to pieces until only a frayed tether remains between whom I had become and who I once was.

Her warmth had brought me home but her slow metamorphous into the uncompromising captain, was destroying us all. We could only watch as the vivacious glow faded from her vibrant blue eyes, leaving behind a dull shine. No longer were smiles gracing her face, instead a frown was her constant companion. She denied us all, refusing the bond of family to come between her and her duties to us, no matter the lengths we went to gather her back into the fold.

Her stubbornness was eroding away her essence and leaving behind a cold being whose only obsession was to keep a promise given to us at the start of our journey.

Did she not realize that she was smothering us all? We could care less about reaching home, if we lost her in the process.

Did she not know that we were home?

There was no other place that I would rather be than by her side, but I could no longer stand by and watch her destroy herself. I could no longer bear to look into her eyes and watch her spirit die, helpless to save her.

Everyone asks me why Seven and not Kathryn, whom I've loved since the moment I saw her.

I can only answer with one word…

Solace.

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	2. Kathryn's POV

Disclaimers: See part one.

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**Kathryn's POV**

The crew thinks that I don't hear all the whispers that trail behind me as I walk through the corridors as I make my rounds. That somehow, because I'm the captain, I've become impervious to listening to the gossip that runs rampant on this ship.

To them, I am merely a larger than life figure that hides behind the cold mask of duties and protocols. They could never imagine that I have needs, desires and fears. A belief that I've enforced over the last seven years that we've been together. I've only let them only see their commanding officer and not the woman that I once was.

I sit by myself in the messhall, surrounded by the sounds of laughter and companionship.

Instead of reassure me of their contentment, the sounds grate upon my unraveling emotions. I struggle to not to show them how resentful I am. I resent how carefree they sound. They are free of the worries of command, free of the stress of having 150 lives in the palm of their hands, free of the constant guilt that batters at me every single moment of my day, whether I'm awake or a sleep. I should feel content that they have found hope and family to make the long days bearable, a part of me yearns to join them, even as another part of me cruelly tears down that wish.

As I sit in the middle of them, I've come to understand how alone a person can be.

Peace, friendship, companionship… love. Four simple words. Four things that I do not deserve to have until I've kept my promise to them. How could I have everything I desire when my crew suffers everyday without their loved ones? How could I have happiness in his arms, as they mourn for the touch of their husbands or wives?

I can't…

Every night I dream of us reaching home and once there, we'll have plenty of time to be together. There, I will be free to admit everything that I've kept hidden from him, tear down the walls that have for so long been a barrier between us and at last let him see the love that I have for him in my eyes. At last, I'll be at his side and in his arms, my body pressed tightly to his, our hearts beating as one and our hands clasped as they had once been so very long ago.

I ache to find the peace that I once had discovered while on distance planet, that was a lifetime away. It was there that we had made promises to each other. Promises of love and a future together. We had never spoken them aloud but the unspoken words had formed a connection between our souls. In that paradise, away from everyone, I knew that I was his and he was mine.

He was the other half of me. He was my soul mate.

To hear me say this, even if it is only in my mind, seems fanciful. Who would have thought that the scientist in me would come embrace such a spiritual belief? However, I cannot deny what I feel in my heart. I will never speak of it out loud, I will keep it close and hidden from everyone.

Our bond has grown between us and it has strengthened as the years have passed. He is my guidance and my balance. He alone anchors me and protects me from the demons that threaten to overwhelm me and drive me mad with guilt and remorse.

As the years have passed, I've felt myself changing. I've grow harder and started to distance myself from everyone. I'm no longer the same person that I once was. These long years have taken a toll upon me, a far greater price has been extracted than I could have guessed at the beginning of this journey.

Time has passed so slowly that I can see my weariness etched upon my features as I look upon my reflection in the mirror. The light dusting of foundation and rouge that I wear can no longer hide the lines of stress that mar my pale flesh. They would go unnoticed unless you looked closely upon me, as he always does.

His concern grows as I become colder and begin to retreat further from everyone. It's there in his gaze as our eyes meet and it makes me be more defensive around him, straining our relationship until it's close to snapping.

He thinks I don't know or perhaps that I don't care how things have become between us. That our pulling away from each other is something that I have always wanted. Unaware of how devastating this is to me, that I'm losing a battle that I can't fight because of our circumstances.

As each argument erupts between us, our carefully constructed house of cards has begun to collapse. Its foundation eroding away, to leave behind the raw emotions that we have for so many years kept hidden from each other. Emotions that I refuse to give voice to, instead I lash out at him to protect myself from admitting the truth.

My heart aches as I see his love for me dying in his eyes with each harsh word that spills from my lips, knowing that I am the cause of shredding his hopes and dreams, forever obliterating his hope for a life together. Silently I cry out as I lose him a little bit each day but I'm too stubborn to give voice to what we both yearn.

How much longer is he willing to be at my side, receiving only derision from me even as he offers me so much more? I don't know if the situation was reversed if I could be as strong as he has been, to care for someone and not have that love returned openly.

I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he looked elsewhere for the love that I couldn't give him.

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That day came sooner than I could have expected and it has become a day that has been forever burned into my memory.

Neelix had just handed me my coffee, when I heard the stirring of rumors about them.

I was stunned. The walls of the messhall seemed to cave in on me. I felt them press down upon me until I became trapped within a small cage made of gray walls. I fought to breathe and my chest tightened painfully as the words ripped through my psyche. I don't know how I found the strength to remain standing before my crew, in that moment I wanted nothing more than to fall to the floor in a heap and cry out in denial, as if my cries of grief could banish what I had just heard.

My vision began to dim and become distorted, I saw white spots flickering across my eyes and all the color in the room vanished and leaving behind a canvas of gray, black and white wherever I turned.

In my daze, the cup of steaming coffee fell from my hand, falling against the counter and spilling the hot liquid scalding over my hand and uniform. In the distance, I heard Neelix call out to me. His words garbled and impossible to make out, as if I was under water.

I ignored his frantic calls for my attention and stared down at my reddening flesh, I barely felt the pain of the injury when I compared to ache within my soul.

Why?

Why Seven, Chakotay?

Do you love her or are you trying to hurt me for all the years I've pushed you away? How can I see you everyday and know that you are no longer mine?

So many questions, raced through my mind but my heart cried out the only one that matter.

How can I continue without you by my side?

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	3. The Calm Before the Storm

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AN: I know it's been a few years but here's the next section of this story. There's only one part to go and then it's finished. The last part is almost completely written, so the wait should be as long as the last time I updated. This chapter is not beta'd.

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**Kathryn's POV**

The one person on this ship that I thought would never even have crossed his mind to become intimate with, was the one that he had been drawn to. It had been seven days since I found out that they were together. Seven long days filled with hours of no sleep, tears and anger. I was angry with her, I was angry with him but most of all I was furious with myself.

If only I had bent a little, given in to my desires towards starting a relationship with Chakotay, instead I had let this happen with my unbending stance.

I had dragged myself to the bridge every morning since that day in the messhall. Not caring how I looked or how quickly I snapped at everyone or how my temper rose with each second that passed that I was at his side. How quickly things can change, just a week ago being this close to him would have settled me, gave me strength to continue but now I can barely sit beside him. Each shift of his body towards me makes me want to push him away, the brush of the air as he leans towards me, fills me with anger and fear. Our bodies so close that every day I was bombarded with the scent of his cologne. I hated it, even as I craved to nuzzle close to him, basking in its complex aroma.

I could feel his eyes on me, following my erratic movements about the bridge. Did he think that he fooled me by appearing to care about my feelings? I knew the truth. I was simple his commanding officer. I meant nothing to him, his relationship with Seven proved how much he valued our friendship.

Why does he look at me with those damn eyes filled with understanding and caring? Did he think that I would return his gaze with anything other than contempt?

I don't need him or his false caring. He abandoned me to be with her. I don't need his concerned glances or his gentle touch or his softly spoken words. I've survived these many years alone and I've managed to be fine. I'll do my duty on the bridge as the Captain but I refuse to acknowledge him anywhere else. As of this moment, I must crush any caring that I might have once shown him.

_I don't need him._

_I don't need him…_

Perhaps if I say it enough times, my heart will begin accept what my mind is forcing upon it.

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**Chakotay's POV**

It had been one week and everything was falling apart. Kathryn looked ready to explode. Every muscle in her body stiff with ill concealed wrath and hurt, her jaw clenched and her lips pale from holding back the venomous words that I knew she wanted to fling at me. My heart ached as she leaned away from me, her blue eyes smoky with the smoldering fires of her ire but beneath the surface, the stifling ashes of regret and pain were suffocating her.

One thing that I had realized as these last few days crawled by was that I couldn't be with Seven, not while my heart still belonged so strongly to Kathryn.

As I walked towards the Cargo bay, it seemed as if I had lead in my boots. My foundation had crumbled beneath me and my spirit was in chaos, I didn't want to hurt Seven but I couldn't live with the hurt I was causing Kathryn. After all these years that had past, my promises haunted my waking and dreaming moments. The words spoken so long ago taunted me until I felt torn apart by their mocking tone.

Seven looked up from the console she had been working at and watched silently as I made my way to her side. She looked down briefly before raising her head proudly and she smiled sadly at me.

She knew.

I tried to apologize but she brushed it aside, "I knew that you only wished to be with me because the Captain was unavailable to form a romantic liaison with you."

"I'm sorry," I replied, moving away from her and placing the console between us. "I never meant to deceive you."

"Your feelings for the Captain were not unknown element among the crew. While in the Delta Quadrant, our choices were limited," Seven replied in a matter of fact tone. "Go to the Captain, she won't come her. I will adapt."

I pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek, "Thank you. Not everyone would be as understanding."

I walked away, the burden lifted off me. I would go to Kathryn and for once, I wasn't going to accept her evasion tactics. This week had proved that while the Captain approved of her Commanding Officer having a relationship; Kathryn had been another matter all together.

And from now on, it was Kathryn that I would be dealing with, not the formidable Captain Janeway.

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	4. Peace Found Navigating the Storm

AN: It's complete! Sorry for the long, long wait :)

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**Chapter Three**

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I demolish my bridges behind me...  
then there is no choice but to move forward.  
**Firdtjof Nansen**

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Chakotay watched her prowl from one end of the bridge to the other. Her shoulders stiff and her hands clasped tightly behind her back. The tension on the bridge mounting with each step that she took.

Tom looked forward at the large viewscreen and was completely silent for once. He had born the brunt of her displeasure within moments of arriving on the bridge. His cheerful good morning had set her off and she had tore a strip off him in front of everyone. Kathryn launched a verbal assault upon him about how a bridge officer should behave that stunned them all into silence. She ended with orders that he report to duty maintenance after his shift and had assigned him a report on the proper behavior of a bridge officer.

Chakotay continued to watch her, his jaw tightening as his ire towards her rose with each acidic phrase that she spat at Tom. Her behavior was erratic and he refused to have her behaving so childishly in front of their crew. He knew that once she had time to reassess her actions, she would be mortified at her loss of control.

He needed to take control of the situation before it spun even further out of control. With that in mind, he waited for her to walk towards her seat.

"Captain, may I see you in the ready room?" Chakotay murmured softly to her once she had sat down beside him.

"My schedule doesn't allow for it today. Perhaps another time, Commander," she replied in a cold voice, looking down at the padd.

"Permission to speak freely, Captain," Chakotay requested in a low voice, his hands clenching around supple leather of the arms of his chair, his fingers whitening as he fought his intense desire to drag her from the bridge and deal with what was bothering her. He knew what was eating at her and was ecstatic that she was at last showing him that she could feel, even if at the moment it was intense anger and disdain towards him. That tightly held control she had on her emotions was cracking and the fallout would either be the start of something or the final death blow on their friendship. He prayed to the Spirits that it would have a positive impact.

However happy he was about finally having a sign that she felt more than indifference for him, her attitude was having a destructive effect on the moral of everyone that came near her. They needed to take this somewhere private.

"Denied," Kathryn replied, deliberately ignoring the tension rising between them. Without a backwards glance at his fuming visage, she made her way towards her ready room. "You have the bridge, Commander."

The doors closed, hiding the Captain from curious eyes. Chakotay rose slowly, his eyes hardened until they appeared like shards of granite as they locked on the closed doors barring him from his quarry.

"Commander Tuvok, I'll be speaking with the Captain. I trust you can look after Voyager during our meeting. Please ensure that we're not interrupted," Chakotay asked in a soft, deadly voice. Everything within him fixated on the coming confrontation with a red head virago.

"Understood, Commander," Tuvok replied, nodding his approval.

Chakotay stormed across the bridge and entered the dragon's den. He stood at the entrance, anticipation roaring within him as he stared at the still figure before him. Holding Kathryn's gaze, he stepped across the threshold of her ready room.

"Computer, seal doors Maquis 112-Delta," Chakotay called out, unfazed by Kathryn glaring at him from her seat on the upper section of her ready room.

"Computer, belay that," Kathryn countered.

"Access denied. Insufficient clearance," the computer answered. "Quarters have been sealed."

"Maybe now you have time to talk to me." Chakotay said in a cool voice, walking forward to lean causally against the rail that separate the upper and lower levels of the small room.

The anger that shimmered beneath the surface roared and flared to life focusing on the smug target before her. "What the hell do you think you're doing," Kathryn snapped, her temper rising at his audacity in locking her within her own ready room.

"Getting your attention," Chakotay replied coolly. He acted as if locking his Commanding Officer in her Ready Room was an every day occurrence. "And it looks like it worked… Captain."

"I don't recall asking you to come here, Commander. Is there an emergency that requires you to barge into my private office unannounced?" Kathryn demanded sharply. "If there's nothing that urgently requires my attention, it's best that you vacate my ready room immediately."

Chakotay let out a low chuckle that held little amusement and more than a touch of danger. Its tone letting her know that she was playing with fire but in her current mood, she paid it no mind. Reason and logic had been subdued under the weight of her temper.

"Don't play the fool, Kathryn. It doesn't become you," Chakotay replied, his countenance darkening with each second that passed. "You know why I'm here. For once stop playing these damn games that you're so fond of. If you're upset or angry or have something to say to me say it but I refuse to stand by and watch you tear down members of this crew over a simple good morning."

"You refuse? I didn't realize that there had been a change of command and unless you're planning another mutiny, I'm still in command of this vessel," Kathryn seethed, turning her back on him, intent on ignoring him. "You're dismissed."

With her last words, Chakotay's hold on his temper snapped. He rushed up the stairs and spun her around to face him, "You've done that for the final time, Kathryn. I'll be damned if I follow that order when it has to do with our personal relationship."

"We don't have a personal relationship, Commander," Kathryn spat and smacked her hands down his chest to push him away from her. "Now get your hands off of me before I have you hauled into the brig for insubordination."

Chakotay's hold tightened and stilled the angry movement of her hands. He pressed further into her, towered over her petite frame. He refused to back down. "No, I've left you alone for too long, Kathryn."

They stood locked, chest to chest, breathing heavily. Neither one willing to concede to the other.

"We've brushed this aside for years and I've reached the end of my patience. We're going to discuss this like reasonable adults, the temper tantrums end as of this moment."

Kathryn struggled against him, a futile endeavor when he used his strength and determination against her. She meet his angry gaze defiantly, aware that even in that moment, she had nothing to fear from him physically. With that thought, Kathryn smirked at him before she kicked his ankle and felt his arms loosen. Freed from his embrace, she quickly moved away from him, racing towards the sealed doors. She heard his muffled curse behind her.

She cried out as she was lifted and dragged back towards the couch, his hands gripped her firmly. Her nails dug into his wrist, leaving behind the imprint of five nails on the bronze flesh, she heard him hiss and curse. He spun her around and looked down at her furious visage.

Kathryn's breath caught and she fought to hold back a shiver.

This wasn't Chakotay that she knew for the past seven years holding her against her wishes. No, before her stood the man he had once been. Dark eyes flashing dangerously, lips pressed together in a firm uncompromising line, jaw clenched and nostrils flaring; every inch the angry warrior. He pinned her down on the gray couch, his heavy body unmovable as she pushed against his unyielding body.

Panting, they stared at each other, their bodies flush against one another. Feeling the heat of his body over hers, Kathryn fought to get free and at the same time not to melt under him, at last giving into the desires and fantasies that she had over the many years.

'_No, she couldn't. They couldn't.'_

"Let me go," Kathryn ordered in voice that held a faint tremble and a plea more than an order.

"No," Chakotay replied, lowering his head towards her, his breath stirring her senses with each exhale. He paused inches from her lips, their breaths mingling and joined with each inhale and exhale that they took.

"This isn't about command structure or insubordination. This is about jealousy." Chakotay whispered against her lips.

"Jealousy?" Kathryn pulled away and laughed sarcastically, "You're out of line, Commander. Get ou-"

His hand drew her face back to his and cut her off mid way through her lies with a searing kiss that muffled her words.

Chakotay plundered her mouth, nipping demandingly until she gave him entrance. There was no gentleness, only hunger and demands for more. This wasn't the tender kiss of a lover but of a conquer that had at last claimed the prize. He molded her body to his, and her legs weakened and parted creating a cradle for him to lie between as a lover would. Their bodies entwined and arching against each other.

Kathryn's head spun with the rush of sensations flooding her body. Her desire to fight him decreasing as the seconds passed under his ardent touch. Chakotay's hands seemed to be everywhere at once. One minute they were gliding down her thighs to pull her closer to him, only to change directions to slide up to caress her breast. With each pass he made, she trembled beneath him and gave into his demands.

She pulled away, tearing her kiss bruised lips away and uttered a hoarse cry when he suckled on her neck, leaving his mark for all to see, after she denied him access to mouth.

"Tell me that this isn't about this, Kathryn. Deny it," Chakotay growled, against her throat, tasting her flesh and driving her mad. He continued to stroke and caress her body in all the spots that had drawn him to her.

Kathryn shook her head, pleading with him to not make her give voice desires. She wasn't afraid of him hurting her, but he was demanding her to open up, to release the straggle hold she had on her emotions. He could hurt her so much more if she gave spoke about what she had kept hidden in heart and he rejected it.

"I need you to try and deny it, Kathryn. Wrap your lips around the words and I won't ever bring this up again." Chakotay stubbornly clung to his demand. "Tell me that this means nothing. That your actions over the last few days had nothing to do with Seven and me."

"I… Please Chakotay, don't," Kathryn pleaded with him, choking back a sob. She was falling apart, the façade of confidence and control that she had been clinging to melting away with each second that passed.

If he pressured her any further and she would snap. Once that happened, things would be severed beyond repair. She knew that she had lashed out, unable to bring her volatile actions to a stop. A part of her trying to hurt him with her words, even as the other hoped that he would come to her and bring this to a close, either for good or to commence a new chapter between them.

Chakotay closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. Spirits… he had gone too far. He had let his temper guide his actions and had almost wrecked it all. Kathryn seemed to have the power to center him and then in the next second, push all his buttons to unravel the tightly held control he had. He felt her tremble beneath him and sighed. Slowly, Chakotay sat up and pulled her close, his arms cradled her to his chest but refused to allow her to pull free.

"We can't go forward or back, Kathryn. We've lived in limbo for too long."

She nodded, "I know." Kathryn answered in a raspy voice, filled with suppressed tears.

"Do you really, Kathryn? These last few days have been unbearable," Chakotay chided, his tone different from only moments before when he demanded a response from him. Fueling the anger would only make things worse again. "We're destroying our friendship."

Kathryn could only nod. She had been pushing him away since her return from Quarra. She kept making excuses to skip out on dinners, scared of what she would do if she spent to long in his company, away from the prying eyes of their crew. Jaffen had rekindle a spark in her, making her remember what it was like to be in a relationship. When she pulled free of the mind control, the rush of emotions almost unbearable. Guilt and desire warred with each other. Guilt for being with Jaffen and an intense desire wishing that it had been Chakotay instead. In trying to protect herself, Kathryn had set them on the road that could ruin their bond.

But Chakotay was here, fighting to mend things between them. After everything that had happened, could they move forward?

"I think it's time for us to admit the truth, Kathryn." Chakotay tilted her head up to look at him. Understanding and fear shone in her blue eyes causing his heart hurt at being the one to put the fear into them. Would she be able to let go of the last?

"What about…" Her voice trailed off, unable to say the name of the woman that caused her release the tightly held control she had on her secret wishes and desires.

"Seven?" Chakotay finished for her. "I've already spoken with her. She wishes us the best. You taught her well, Kathryn. You would have been proud of her."

"I am," Kathryn replied quietly.

Silence followed, neither one of them wanting to break the silence. Regardless of what happened now, they both had a lot to atone for. Kathryn for words against him and Chakotay for his actions against her. Their trust with each other had been shaken and they would have to rebuild it again.

'_Trust me.'_ Chakotay pleaded silently. _'Look at me, Kathryn. Please, forgive me.'_

"Chakotay," Kathryn murmured, speaking at last.

She turned to look at him, needing to see him that she was willing to move on. "I'm sorry. For everything." She thought of these last few days, the years since New Earth, the heated arguments and all the pushing away she had done whenever things looked like they were about to cross the line that she had drawn between them.

"As long as you forgive me the hurt of caused you as well," Chakotay replied, clasping her hand in his. Neither one of them had been innocent in their previous actions but now was a time for letting go and rebuilding.

They were getting a fresh start and it wasn't about to be tainted by the mistakes that they had once made.

"Where do we go from here?" Chakotay asked, needing her to say the words.

Kathryn looked down at their entwined hands. Darkness to light, softness to hardness, gentleness to strength. Flip sides of the same coin.

"Forward," Kathryn whispered.

"Forward," Chakotay repeated with a smile.

She tugged him close and kissed him softly, granting him what he had taken from her only minutes before. Content now to share with him a part of her that she had kept locked away, waiting for just the right moment to be set free.

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**The End**


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